I am fully aware that most of the time my blog doesn’t make a lot of sense. Yes it is a public blog but most of what I post are reflections of my private moments and thoughts. So yes the mental pendulum sways from wanting to escape to thinking back on lost friends and onto thoughts of an unknown future.
Today I am content.
I don’t want any more or less than what I have now.
I am blessed to be moving forward in leadership and building a community of believers around me in a way that I am not used to. I have never been the type of person who wanted or needed a large group of friends but God has shown me that community is more than talking about the latest in entertainment but letting people into your life and heart. There should always be room for His people in your heart.
God is expanding me in such crazy ways. One of the things I have clearly been commissioned to do is to pray bigger prayers. I have learned to pray in faith and God always comes through but He is calling for more now–that my prayers should be more about life change and miracles to happen rather than to make sure that my bills are paid and that I get somewhere on time.
I am living in expectation. I am older than I ever thought I would be. It’s strange to be the type of planner I am and to not have thought ahead this far. I battled depression off and on for most of my teenage years and attempted suicide twice in the process. You just don’t look that far ahead when you go through that. Not long after I was diagnosed with cancer and at that point all I wanted was for chemo to be over. So I have truly been living outside of my plan since 2012. I think that’s why these last couple of years have been so trans-formative for me. I am no longer measuring my life on the ideas of my youth. I am fully in the now and looking towards a future that is completely open to anything.
I’m not rushing ahead. I can think back to last year and really remember the moments. The loud and soft ones, the quiet and profound moments of my life. I am not sprinting towards a goal of my own making but really experiencing this journey.
I am living my life.
Today I am content.