I feel like everything I thought was stable is falling apart. The last few weeks have been filled with trips, falls, and big disappointments. Truthfully, I got back from Nicaragua and the world felt different. I read articles that say this is normal, some people come back feeling minor depression after the spiritual high you feel while on the trip. As someone who has battled depression this felt like a free fall into a vat of bad feelings. I felt like I was fighting all of my old demons at once and it wasn’t going in my favor. I would have crying fits in the work bathroom or have to pull over to the side of the road and talk myself off of the mental ledge.
It wasn’t long after I came back that Robin Williams took his life and to have someone so beloved and seemingly full of joy to deal with the same issues of depression that I do hit even harder. The sky seemed to be getting darker and I had gotten out of the practice of hiding my pain so the people around me could see me falling. My first thought in this situation was to isolate. I don’t want to taint the world with my presence and I didn’t feel strong enough to fake happy. I am so thankful that the people around me will not let me do that. I am so happy I have people who constantly remind me that I don’t have to walk alone.
I write this while I am still figuring it out. I am still very raw and not far removed from the ledge. I write this while things are still in the process of getting better. I am in the eye of the storm and seeing things I thought I was secure in being thrown about in the winds. Everything in my life is changing from relationships to living situation to career. I’m not going to deny that it hurts because it feels like destruction but God has a special way of working in a storm. I have been hearing Him so clearly in the messages at church and the music I’m listening to. I can hear Him comforting me and reminding me that He is in control of the situation. That I don’t have to know what things will look like when He’s done because He always has a plan that is better than any plan I have for myself. That I’ve survived trials I didn’t think I would live through so I can make it through this. That He can calm winds and seas with a Word, that He will never put more on me than I can bare, that He holds me in the palm of His hand, and that I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me.
That restoration is on the other side and all I have to do is stand.
So with shaky knees and tears in my eyes I stand.