I know I’m not ready to have this conversation. I also know it may never happen in real life since he denies so much of our past. There is still so much fear wrapped up in love when it comes to even the thought of him. He has hurt me time and time again but yet I will protect him by not going into too much detail when it comes to the nature of our relationship or even his name. Just know for a long time he was everything to me.
I can’t guess how he would respond to this conversation since when I used to try and get closure he would change the subject or try and blame me or others involved for his actions. I have already gone to God for my peace and forgiven what was lost but sometimes I still wish we could have an honest talk.
Sometimes I hate that I love you so much. Still. Even after all of this time and all the wrong and the lies and the pain…..when I should despise you I hate myself. Mostly I hate the part of me that is like you. I fear so much of me because it might echo something you once said. All the good and bad from our relationship has seeped inside since it took me so long to get away from you. I’m only starting to learn to forgive myself for the parts of me that are still attached to you.
Why do you lie so much? Why do you hide who you are? Why, after all of these years, am I still not entirely sure of your character? Nothing about you is steady so why did I try and lean on you? I can’t help but look back with mixed emotions. There were the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Our relationship seemed to revolve around what you thought I should be and I felt like a failure every time I didn’t match that standard. My looks, my words, my actions, my friends, and every accomplishment felt hollow. I felt like a fake being, a shell of a person but couldn’t make myself stay away. I felt ripped in two–no one knowing he real me because she was trapped between two ideals and never fully herself. Still not whole.
You’ve hurt others outside of me and I feel the guilt. I carry the shame because I wish I could change it. Take it all back and try a different path next time. Not let you get away with it for so long. To try and be strong for once. Sometimes I even wish I were as cold as you. Or even as cold as I used to pretend I was. To build the walls that could keep your barbs from hurting. To be able to cut you down to size instead of trembling in fear. You made having a heart feel like a weakness that could be beaten out. I was beaten, bruised, and battered but I finally realize that I was never broken.
I am doing so much better now. Yes, part of it is distance from you and time to repair the damage but most of it is because I know I’m not the same person. I am so loved now and it might be in spite of you. Nothing about us was fair but somehow it has worked together for my good. The scars I carried on my heart are no more and the physical scars are now proud medals of honor. I wish you could see who I am and whose I am, what I have become and the potential to do so much more. I will no longer accept your definition of me. I am so much stronger than you thought I was and so much smarter than you will ever give me credit for. I am learning me and loving me, I am letting myself be learned and loving that as well. I don’t know what you expected once we finally parted ways but I know that I defy it all.
Now for you, I wish you well. I have prayed long hard prayers for you. I have forgiven you and try and have peace in my heart. I am so grateful for the distance so that memories have a chance to fade and I can remember how to love you the right way. The way God has called us all to love each other. I want to get to a place where the past can stay right there and not cloud my mind with thoughts of self-destruction. Please know I pray only blessings for you and those you love. Thank you for listening even if it is only in my mind.