On the Road to 30 I Found…..Identity

On the Road to 30 I Found…..Identity

I thought that since I am nearing the end of my Single Woman Blogging challenge I needed to find something else to share about myself. I realize that I am entering the end of an amazing decade of my life and approaching 30 in September. I don’t want what I have learned to lay dormant so I have decided to share what I have learned on my way to 30. I don’t know if this will be a monthly addition to the blog, if it will end up being 12 things or 30 (you guys know how sporadic my blogging can be) but I am dedicated to sharing my thoughts as my 20s come to an end. So I begin my first feature: On the Road to 30.

We are obsessed with finding ourselves in our 20s. I don’t know where we lost a clear self image but we realize that we don’t know who we are somewhere in college and go on a search that takes us years to complete for the ‘real me’. I looked everywhere. In school I found a good student. In church I found a good person. In men I found a good girlfriend. In work I found a good employee. In friends I found a good time. But somehow the sum total of all that wasn’t enough. There had to be more to me than this. I kept looking all around for a part that would make what I felt inside the same as what I presented on the outside.

Who am I really? It’s not that I couldn’t see the pieces but I just hadn’t figured out how they all fit together. What I finally realized is that fitting doesn’t matter–I love my pieces. I didn’t have self love because my parts didn’t look finished. I didn’t measure up to the picture in my mind or what other people’s pictures looked like. 

The beauty of looking ahead at 29 is that I see myself clearly.  There wasn’t a magic moment or mantra that brought me here. I just stopped looking. I think the key to identity is to stop trying to figure yourself out so much and just accept who you are. Yes I stutter when I’m tired or excited….yes I was very broken in my past….yes I love to eat in bed…..yes I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest….yes sometimes I get jealous (and God reminds me that my path is mine and no one elses)……yes I love literature and music and art. I am growing and changing but I am also looking at myself in the mirror and loving those flaws as well. I see my scars and celebrate them. The stories they tell are like no other. Every laugh line is named after a friend who wanted to see me smile. My lack of a 6 pack is because I love to share meals with my friends. I get new moles each year and it reminds me of my grandmother.  I am completely undecided about the gap in my front teeth but I still smile.

The biggest part of accepting me is accepting that God loves me as flawed as I am as well. I often journal about how awesome God is to love lowly me. I am unworthy but His grace covers all. How could I be uncertain when He is so sure about me? His Word is a love letter that continues to woo me to Him. He knows just how to soothe my doubts and remind me that the unique individual I am is exactly who He created me to be. There is no one else like me. The thought of Him taking the time out to put me together for this time and place brings me to my knees every time.

It was only after I started loving my pieces that my picture started looking complete. I didn’t need to add a profession, boyfriend, social status, or exotic locale to smile when I thought of myself. I can see my approaching 30s as the end of an epic decade rather than a review of my mistakes. I can’t wait to see what is on the other side of these years, for the journey of mountains and valleys and all that lies in between.

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