At least the note part. I cried as I tried to figure out the words to describe how I felt. The darkness that wouldn’t let me rest. How there weren’t any other options. I have tried everything–everything I could think of to be happy but nothing lasted. I always end up back here, in the dark. Alone.
I just can’t do this anymore. Just getting up and pretending is too much now. I’ve admitted the worst; that I don’t want to be here. I have prayed to not wake up again more times than I can count. These emotions are exhausting and I just want peace!! I’m a Christian, I know God but He just seems so far away right now. I don’t think He can hear me and nothing I have been doing has been filling this hole…this gaping black hole where love is supposed to be. I am not okay. I can’t pull myself out of this. I don’t want to do this but I don’t feel like I have a choice. It’s too late.
I took the pills and laid down.
I was 18 and had been battling depression for years. I didn’t know it at the time but looking back my teen years into my early 20s were a constant battle to survive. I don’t know when I started to think this but a constant mantra in my head was that I would die young. It was a dark but appealing thought. To know that this fantasy called life would end and the pain I felt on almost a daily basis would be over. I had a hard time making decisions for a future I didn’t want. It’s hard to be hopeful when you wish you didn’t exist.
I was raised in church and knew without a doubt that suicide was not an answer. I think that’s what kept me fighting for so long. I didn’t want to live but hell was a scary idea and no one wants to choose that! I thought for sure that dying in an accident would be the way to go. Still young, still going to heaven, but out of playing life. I prayed to die. I pleaded to not have to wake up. Nothing felt right in my world so why keep living? It’s even hard to explain now, years after the fact, how deep these feelings were. How they controlled me and colored every action, thought, and decision I made. I became very good at lying because I was sure no one would understand my pain. I was isolated inside myself. I felt like I was watching myself live but never truly engaged.
Then I moved away to college and it all fell apart. I couldn’t hold my dark moods in. I stopped eating, stopped going to class, stopped engaging with people….I just stopped. And then I wanted everything else to stop. It was my darkest night as I took the pills and laid down.
I didn’t lock the door.
My roommate Tamika is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I’ll probably name one of my kids after her because simply if it weren’t for her barging into my room I would not have kids. I wouldn’t be here. She dragged me out of that room and to the emergency room. God works in mysterious ways because I didn’t have to get my stomach pumped. I also lied up and down and said it wasn’t what they thought it was. I was so ashamed, I didn’t want to admit….that it wasn’t over. After that night I didn’t try again but the darkness stayed. I changed my hair, changed my major, went to church more, went to church less, drank, smoked, partied, played with hearts, had sex, and so many more things just to FEEL something.
It wasn’t until years later when I heard a sermon about forgiveness one summer day did things change. It was the start of something. A light in my dark place. It took many more years for me to even admit that I attempted suicide. For words like depression to become familiar to my vocabulary or for God to show me that even this part of my testimony could be used for His glory. There are times when I wander back into that dark place but now I know where my Help comes from. It is never too dark that I don’t remember that there is more for me, plans for my future and a life that I am meant to live.