A Closed Door


I left home at the age of 17. I went to college, moved around a couple of times, and ended up in Atlanta, GA. I am far from 17 now but every now and then I still get a pang of homesickness. A moment when I dream of what life would be like if I were still back in California with the few family members still there. Sometimes when I was stressed I would imagine leaving everything behind and escaping to the West Coast. So every time there was a chance I went back. My heart would beat fast when the plane passed the familiar bridges and I would strain my eyes to recognize scenery even while thousands of miles in the sky. And it never failed that the first step back on CA soil felt like a hallelujah chorus of welcome home.

I went back home a few weeks ago expecting the same. The same excitement, the joy of sea salt in the air, and all of my usual butterflies. But for the first time I felt out of place. Yes the sites were familiar but my heart strings weren’t tugged at the rolling hills or packed in houses. I think I realized, for the first time, that it was no longer home. I know it’s been a long time since I lived there but my heart takes a long time to let go and it finally happened. I must admit that it hurt a little. My brother and sister are there, my father and all of my childhood memories are held in one place. And it is a place I know I won’t live in again. I felt like I heard the door close behind me as I took to the skies back to Atlanta.

I have been a little melancholy since coming back. I felt lost and the people I told didn’t seem to understand why it was affecting me so deeply. I think it hearkens back to other posts I have that talk about how I view home. It is rarely a place but people and the acceptance I feel there. So when the one place I go to for comfort is lost to me it means I am left with people. And while the people I surround myself with are all awesome I still feel like an odd one. It isn’t comfortable yet. It just isn’t home.

There has yet to be a happy ending to this one. This post could mean something to someone or just be the random, disjointed ramblings of a woman who tends to overthink but I felt the need to write it down. But my current situation is that I am looking to give my heart a home.

cs lewis

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