I have been on a mini-hiatus from writing mostly because July was an intense month of travelling and revelation and being caught in the undertow of all of my emotions. I am a deep thinker and feel everything to my core so I developed a hard shell early on in life just to make it through life. There aren’t enough personal days or federal holidays for the amount of times that I am summoning energy from the depths of my soul just to get out of bed. I internalize to the point of implosion as I watch pieces of myself shatter from the pressure. Sometimes I wonder:
why did God make me so complicated
why do I wrestle with unruly thoughts of past, present, and future
why do most of my worries come from doubting myself
why do I constantly feel overused and under appreciated
why do I feel in the valley when I should be on the mountaintop
why am I Eeyore when I want to be Tigger
Last month was a culmination of so many of those thoughts and emotions and in truth I felt extremely overwhelmed. I went into my shell and tried to shut out the world when in reality the battle was happening within myself. It was as if all the things I would define myself with were taken apart and examined for quality. I’m sure I prayed for this but when everything that is you starts to be questioned you start questioning your prayers. I even stopped talking to God for a day just to show him how upset I was with his management of current events–that’ll show Him I’m serious. (Yes I really I had that temper tantrum) I am so thankful for a God who is first Father because this daughter is a little unruly.
We use terms from the Bible like refining fire lightly but the reality of a fire that it is hard to contain. Things that are lost in a fire usually can’t be salvaged. There are not only burns but smoke damage–even the aftermath when you are sifting through the ashes can be as tragic as the initial event. We are called to live in the fire. It is there that our impurities are revealed and burned away. It is there that we are the most malleable and able to be shaped and formed into something with immense value. And that’s where I am. And in all honestly I don’t like it.
All of this internal anarchy prompted questions and only recently have I started to gain some answers. You don’t know how relieved after months of waiting I felt to hear even a tiny yes–the tears and rejoicing I did were completely undignified! And that tiny yes started an avalanche of thankfulness. All I can do now is continue to seek. At this point I don’t consider myself simply blessed or even highly favored but simply willing and open.