Uncertain

I’m in between.

I haven’t written anything in months even though it has been an emotionally exhausting year. And I wanted to write but life tired me out before pen and page could meet. But something about today brings me back and I realize how much I missed this.

Work is a place where I stuff all of me into the acceptable packaging for a paycheck. I am very good at it….at least I used to be. But something about this year has me failing so hard in all the ways possible. It hurts the honors kid inside me but I can’t seem to get it together. At first it scared me. I had anxiety attacks due to the immense pressure I put on myself to succeed. I examined myself from every angle to make sure the worker bee in me could fit in so that I could settle in for the long haul.

And it still didn’t work.

I am struggling to hold on, not because I can’t do the work but because you can’t stay on the corporate treadmill when your dream is calling you to forge a new trail. I long to take a real step.  My vision is divided and neither my dream nor my job will flourish this way. And it literally pains me to stuff myself into acceptable packaging every day.

I don’t know if I’m ready.

I’m not a creature of risk. I avoid anything that makes my heart race or feels out of control but this whisper won’t let me go. This little voice that wakes me in the morning and sits with me as I create before work. It gives me prose and presents visuals with every blink. It won’t let a lunch break end without another note about ways to improve. It motivates late nights perfecting my art. It rocks me to sleep where the whisper multiples in my dreams.

It says to step to the edge and feel the expectation.

It promises glory on the other side of the leap.

It offers an in between that is just the beginning.

 

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