Like many I can say that 2017 was tough. I found myself overwhelmed mentally, physically, emotionally, and all the other -llys. It was the kind of year that made you run to old bad habits just to survive. It isn’t right but yet we are here. I am still learning how I want to live and this year was a series of learning experiences. It has been easy for me to wallow and focus on the negative but I want to celebrate my growth instead.
I am thankful for the ability to recognize a test of faith. At the beginning of 2017 my word to define the year was “Conquer”. I initially felt it would mean that all I did was win like T-Pain but it turns out what I conquered was fear. I started a new job and almost immediately knew it was a bad fit. My insecurities told me that it was time for me to settle down in a career and to stop questioning this job that I literally prayed for. Expectations warned me that I was too old to feel trapped in a full time position. It was fine to have a a creative hobby but people would judge me if I pursued it full time without the net of income. Fear of man wondered how the people around me would perceive me. I am so used to being admired for being stable and a planner and thought that following my dream would diminish my reputation in the eyes of my friends and family.
I cried more times than I can count. I had multiple panic attacks and could feel myself sliding into depression and I forced myself to fit into the mold. I fasted and stayed on my knees to hear what to do. I just wanted God to tell me my next step….and finally He did. It was a whisper that released me from the plow like Elisha. And for once I didn’t doubt the voice and direction of the Holy Spirit. No need for confirmation, no need for a repeat of the message and no need for reintroduction of Himself; I got the message and did the scariest thing I have ever done! I had a conversation with my supervisor and tearfully (yes I actually cried) gave my notice.
Let me say that there was nothing wrong with this job. It was truly the foot in the door to a career path that would have taken care of me for the rest of my life. What was expected of me wasn’t outside of my realm of experience and the environment was supportive and one of the best in the world. It was like finding Prince Charming. But I realized that I didn’t want to be a Princess. I had no doubts about leaving until that last moment of handing over my ID and keys. I knew I had worked in excellence until the very end but butterflies racked my stomach as I drove out because I had officially jumped out of the plane.
The last few months have felt like the free fall. I haven’t felt nearly as brave although just as certain. I wonder what I should do next and if my goal of peace and passion will be fulfilled in the new year. I have never been without a plan but have embraced that there is grace for today. I do what I can and trust that God will make it all worthwhile. Writing this post is my altar after crossing the river Jordan to remind myself of the legacy I hope to create.
He has done this so all the nations of the earth might recognize the Lord’s power and so you might always obey the Lord your God.