I started this year cautiously hopeful and a bit excited about this journey. That lasted approximately 3 weeks.
The last week of January and most of the month of February I had constant L’s or losses for those who weren’t using slang in the early 00’s. That’s not the part that scares me.
I thought with the freedom of working from home I would be able to make time to see the people around me when in actuality I have been even more of a homebody. I thought that opportunities would drop from the sky now that I had the capacity to handle them but my well ran dry. Even as I was at a conference to grow my business, I was preoccupied with worrying about my livelihood, my circumstances, and everything that wasn’t in order.
I doubted myself. I seriously considered quitting everything and going back to a personally restrictive life of jobs that never touched my soul or came close to my purpose.
That I could really quit on myself, my dreams, and the life I am working to create scares me.
It is a self indulgent fantasy that the wounds of self doubt aren’t as painful as the ones inflicted by others. There is a voice that fears the risks and would rather I fall on my own rather than fail from a height outside of what I’m used to.
I’m sorry TLC but I have to strive for the waterfalls because the streams and lakes aren’t enough. I have put myself in a place where I can’t afford to be afraid of heights anymore.